I have seen your television programme True Blood and read your Dresden Files and can attest that these are some of the more accurate modern depictions of these creatures. However, one little understood fact about vampires is that the different ways they are represented in your media are generally not in conflict with each other. Vampires come in many varieties and their powers and appearance vary greatly.

American and popular modern media portray vampires as beautiful yet pale creatures who are basically human in appearance and personality. However, vampires in other countries are far more interesting and very different. In Europe, vampires are hideous bloated things with dark ruddy complexions, thanks to being well fed on delicious human blood.

Greek vrykolakas can spread disease through a village and sometimes sit on their victims to suffocate them. Vrykolakas also go door-to-door, knocking and calling out the resident’s name. If they do not answer, the vrykolakas moves on. If they do, they will die in the next few days and become a vrykolakas.

Africa is graced with several types of vampires. Asanbosam, have iron teeth and live in trees, dropping down on unsuspecting prey. Adze can take the form of fireflies and pass through doors to suck blood from sleeping victims. Ramanga are living vampires and supplement their blood with the nail clippings of nobles – a delicacy, I am sure.

Asia is the home of vampires like the nukekubi and manananggal who can detach parts of their upper body, which fly around at night drinking blood – the latter especially favours the blood of pregnant women.

Asia’s mandurugo may remind you of mosquitos in that they have wings and a long hollow tongue for sucking blood from sleeping victims. However, I assure you that if you are irritated by mosquitos, you will have considerable issues with mandurugo.

And, of course, I cannot leave out the greenish-white furred jiang shi, or stiff corpse, when speaking of Asian vampires. Jiang shi are mindless hopping vampires that kill to absorb qi (life-force) from their victims.

As you can see, pallid and angst-ridden is not the modus operandi of all vampires. In fact, some vampires have much greater psychological impediments than allowing themselves to become involved in a love triangle.

European and Chinese vampires would make excellent accountants, as if they find spilt grain, sand, rice, and so on, they obsessively count every grain. Remember that if you are ever fleeing a vampire in a supermarket.

Do not misunderstand me. I would thoroughly hope that the vampire catches you, but knocking over a box of cereal to distract him would just make it that much more challenging – and success is always sweeter if it was earnt, rather than simply handed to you.

Many of you may be wondering how to kill a vampire. However, I will not betray my respected friends by revealing their true weaknesses here. You will have to discover those the hard way. It will be so much fun.

For more information on these powerful and feared beings, I bow down to the all-knowing Wikipedia, in this instance. It has comprehensive comparisons of the traits of vampires in your various media and some folklore, and while I have mentioned a handful of different types of vampire here, Wikipedia also holds a list of over two hundred other varieties. Wikipedia also details other vampire folklore.

Concluding this piece, I find it reassuring to know that no matter where you humans go on this wretched clod of dirt you call home, there will always be some strange and exciting variety of vampire ready and waiting to feed on your pathetic bodies and minds – and there will be no sparkles to warn you. Kudos, vampires. Kudos.